The following was sent to me at the end of August, and even at the time I swore that I was going to put it on my lj. Now, it may be that no one but Episcopalians may get the joke, for yes my dear friends, it’s a giant joke that loses something in the translation of it, but it may be that you current event savvy chicas migth get it anyway.

This was written by a friend of a friend of a friend. (No, seriously.)

PRAGUE – Astronomers and space deputies representing earth and all stars met this week amid loud boiling test tubes to sing a new song: Pluto is no longer a planet, they say. “Pluto has done ma-a-a-arvelous things,” said a spokesperson for the planet Saturn, the solar system’s second largest planet, “but one has to appreciate the gravity of the situation and acknowledge that Pluto’s precipitous and unilateral designation as a planet has caused confusion and pain throughout the galaxy.” One of Saturn’s moons was recently designated a planet by a neighboring solar system, which asked that the body be allowed to continue in its orbit, located just outside the planet’s beltway. Saturn has called the action an affront to solar autonomy and galactic order.

 

The eight remaining planets orbit the sun in a more or less straight plain, whereas Pluto takes a queerly angular path, and shocked many stargazers when they first learned that the distant, icy body, said to be very warm at the core, actually revolves openly around another body in a same-size mass called Charon, earlier designated as Pluto’s largest moon. “Ours is a more mutual relationship,” said Pluto of its partner. Critics have argued for a stricter lunar definition as one between a planet and a submissive satellite, noting that such planets are bound by the relationship to honor and nurture their moon.<!–
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"I think it\’s really interesting that we\’re so hung up on Pluto\’s relationship with Charon, while ignoring the fact that some planets have multiple moons," said Crewy Lou, a professor of astrophysics at Rutgers University and perennial convention deputy. Pluto itself had other moon at one time, but released it in a solemn yet healing ceremony.\n

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Planetary observers have speculated that growing tensions within the International Astronomical Consolidated Union of Space Analysts may lead to a planetary realignment of cosmic proportions, but retiring solar prominence Crank Greasewall is more sanguine. "Historically, the heavenly bodies always have understood themselves to be in a dynamic and wonderful tension between attraction and repulsion, strong and weak forces ultimately bound by charms and quarks," Greasewall lisped. "No one of us can say, \’I am a rock; I have no need of thee.\’ Rotating, revolving, waxing and waning together are the hallmarks of the \nVia Leche, and very distinctive of our milky heritage."

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Yet already the spheres of influence are changing. Jupiter, the solar system\’s largest planet, has signaled that it will dissociate itself from IACUSA, and has requested alternate solar oversight. Response is nearly non-existent from Row-1, a formerly illuminating stellar body, now the Astronomical Black-hole Center of the galaxy. Since assuming that role, no light at all can escape its sphere. A spokesman for the ABC has noted that its position is historical and unifying within the galaxy, and that it has no authority to act within autonomous solar systems outside the Cantaur sphere.\n”,1]
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“I think it’s really interesting that we’re so hung up on Pluto’s relationship with Charon, while ignoring the fact that some planets have multiple moons,” said Crewy Lou, a professor of astrophysics at Rutgers University and perennial convention deputy. Pluto itself had other moon at one time, but released it in a solemn yet healing ceremony.

 

Planetary observers have speculated that growing tensions within the International Astronomical Consolidated Union of Space Analysts may lead to a planetary realignment of cosmic proportions, but retiring solar prominence Crank Greasewall is more sanguine. “Historically, the heavenly bodies always have understood themselves to be in a dynamic and wonderful tension between attraction and repulsion, strong and weak forces ultimately bound by charms and quarks,” Greasewall lisped. “No one of us can say, ‘I am a rock; I have no need of thee.’ Rotating, revolving, waxing and waning together are the hallmarks of the Via Leche, and very distinctive of our milky heritage.”

 

Yet already the spheres of influence are changing. Jupiter, the solar system’s largest planet, has signaled that it will dissociate itself from IACUSA, and has requested alternate solar oversight. Response is nearly non-existent from Row-1, a formerly illuminating stellar body, now the Astronomical Black-hole Center of the galaxy. Since assuming that role, no light at all can escape its sphere. A spokesman for the ABC has noted that its position is historical and unifying within the galaxy, and that it has no authority to act within autonomous solar systems outside the Cantaur sphere.<!–
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Row-1 is embroiled in a power struggle of its own with Yorq, a large black hole in its own right. But the famously conflict-averse ABC has suggested that perhaps a form of solar covenant would be in order, whereby astronomers would recognize planets, dwarf planets such as Pluto, and the remaining rabble, including the Kuiper belt near Neptune.\n

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Jupiter is a planet of such enormous mass that scientists believe it may have been a proto-sun, and gained notoriety years ago when comet Shoemaker Levy 9 collided with the giant with a force exceeding thousands of nuclear weapons. The event was embarrassing for Jupiter, which claimed it never had been involved in such a liaison before. Supporters of Pluto\’s planetary status note that by contrast, flamboyantly-tailed comets have slammed into the dark side of Uranus on many occasions, and that the only difference between that planet and Pluto is that the latter isn\’t afraid simply to tell the truth.\n

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"At least Uranus always was discreet," remarked an angry Millicent Poodleford, longtime directress of the Astro Guild. "And it was so good with the kids. I don\’t know why we have to talk about all this unpleasant stuff, anyway," she squirted.\n

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"We applaud IACUSA\’s decision," read a statement translated from the Latin from the Vacuum, center of the nearby Andromeda galaxy. Our own galaxy broke with Andromeda eons ago during the Galactic Reformation when Henrius VII was unable to shake off the suffocating orbit of its barren moon. "As we have always taught, this move advances the cause of universal unity. But until that day comes, and you submit to our authority, remember that the Milky Way has separated itself from the one true heavenly prominence, and that its members will burn in a fiery cataclysm."\n”,1]
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Row-1 is embroiled in a power struggle of its own with Yorq, a large black hole in its own right. But the famously conflict-averse ABC has suggested that perhaps a form of solar covenant would be in order, whereby astronomers would recognize planets, dwarf planets such as Pluto, and the remaining rabble, including the Kuiper belt near Neptune.

 

Jupiter is a planet of such enormous mass that scientists believe it may have been a proto-sun, and gained notoriety years ago when comet Shoemaker Levy 9 collided with the giant with a force exceeding thousands of nuclear weapons. The event was embarrassing for Jupiter, which claimed it never had been involved in such a liaison before. Supporters of Pluto’s planetary status note that by contrast, flamboyantly-tailed comets have slammed into the dark side of Uranus on many occasions, and that the only difference between that planet and Pluto is that the latter isn’t afraid simply to tell the truth.

 

“At least Uranus always was discreet,” remarked an angry Millicent Poodleford, longtime directress of the Astro Guild. “And it was so good with the kids. I don’t know why we have to talk about all this unpleasant stuff, anyway,” she squirted.

 

“We applaud IACUSA’s decision,” read a statement translated from the Latin from the Vacuum, center of the nearby Andromeda galaxy. Our own galaxy broke with Andromeda eons ago during the Galactic Reformation when Henrius VII was unable to shake off the suffocating orbit of its barren moon. “As we have always taught, this move advances the cause of universal unity. But until that day comes, and you submit to our authority, remember that the Milky Way has separated itself from the one true heavenly prominence, and that its members will burn in a fiery cataclysm.”<!–
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"That certainly puts the Rat in the Zinger," said the newly-forming solar prominence K. Jeffries Tiubi, who has drawn fire for her support of Pluto\’s planetary status. Shortly after her eruption, she made remarks in which she referred to the origin of the universe as a "mother of a big bang." Jeffries Tiubi, a small rocket pilot trained in the study of the Sea of Tranquility, is the first Venusian to hold the post. Yet despite her support for Pluto, she endorsed resolution P002, adopted quickly in Prague, stating that "we really, really, really hope that no one will call anything a planet the designation of which would make other solar systems feel uncomfortable, such hope having the full legislative force of a very, very, very, very serious suggestion."\n

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Pluto wondered aloud what we were to make of his own discomfort, and that of other members of the Kiuper belt such as Xena, whose planetary aspirations were dashed by the resolution. Mars, a round and stormy planet with a dark ridge resembling Leonid Brezhnev\’s large single eyebrow, and head of the Solar System Network, remembers Pluto fondly from their days together at General Solarium in the early 70s. "Those were trippin\’ times, and a lot of us tried things back then that we\’re not proud of today," remarked the war planet. "Someone has to take an orthodox stand, however. If not, soon enough, we might define a planet as something in orbit around Sirius, the dog star."\n

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“That certainly puts the Rat in the Zinger,” said the newly-forming solar prominence K. Jeffries Tiubi, who has drawn fire for her support of Pluto’s planetary status. Shortly after her eruption, she made remarks in which she referred to the origin of the universe as a “mother of a big bang.” Jeffries Tiubi, a small rocket pilot trained in the study of the Sea of Tranquility, is the first Venusian to hold the post. Yet despite her support for Pluto, she endorsed resolution P002, adopted quickly in Prague, stating that “we really, really, really hope that no one will call anything a planet the designation of which would make other solar systems feel uncomfortable, such hope having the full legislative force of a very, very, very, very serious suggestion.”

 

Pluto wondered aloud what we were to make of his own discomfort, and that of other members of the Kiuper belt such as Xena, whose planetary aspirations were dashed by the resolution. Mars, a round and stormy planet with a dark ridge resembling Leonid Brezhnev’s large single eyebrow, and head of the Solar System Network, remembers Pluto fondly from their days together at General Solarium in the early 70s. “Those were trippin’ times, and a lot of us tried things back then that we’re not proud of today,” remarked the war planet. “Someone has to take an orthodox stand, however. If not, soon enough, we might define a planet as something in orbit around Sirius, the dog star.”

In other news, I can’t wait till my ordination pictures come out. I can have a new rev sarey icon…