What is it for you? The impossible thing that you only dream of changing, but can’t actually imagine it differently?

For me, I’ve been digging down deep and doing some spiritual growth, lately and it has come out of that. (Okay, and those who know me well know that this has been the case for the last 11 years.) But lately I’ve been untangling the knot of one of those insidious issues that I thought would just always be there – procrastination. It seemed utterly impossible that there could be a time when I wasn’t struggling under the intensity of it. And it turns out that Nelson Mandela is right, again. “It always seems impossible until it is done.”

You see, as my life has shifted and changed I’ve become more and more aware of the fact that it was always there, procrastination. And as things changed and it stayed the same, I finally began to realize that I couldn’t blame it on a professor, or a job, or a system – I couldn’t actually blame it on anyone or anything outside of myself. I wasn’t really keen on blaming myself anymore than I already was (because the blame and shame was already at a shockingly high level), but it was clear that this was something I was carrying around inside of me, like a leech on the soul.

In my particular situation, addressing it directly never seemed to work, but just the other day in spiritual direction (my own, not direction I was giving someone else) it came up as a part of a larger, deeper issue that was much harder to see, something much more subtle, invasive and all encompassing – of which procrastination is only a symptom.

And as I clear up the larger, deeper issue, the well that watered my procrastination is slowly drying up. And by slowly… I mean it’s taking a matter of days. Taking the long view, this is all happening with spectacular speed that reminds one of certain aspects of Formula One racing.

And also one is reminded of Alice in Wonderland – three impossible things before breakfast. As it turns out (no, I did not plan this), I haven’t had breakfast yet. And I’ve just managed three impossible things. …Though, breakfast is late, on this, my day off.