So, I’d lost this handwritten copy for… well, an embarrassingly long time. But I found it, and typed it up this morning, and I got preached to all over again. It was a good thing.

The free floating worry that isn’t usually present in my life kept me awake last night and grumpy this morning. Is it sympathy for my friend who’s lost her husband? Is it sympathy for my friends taking the GOEs? Is is my own agnst over lack-of-car: hamstrung-and-hands-behind-back, I-have-no-life-and-can’t-make-plans? Is it old stuff rearing it’s ugly head? Anxiety that I won’t do my job well enough at work, now that I’ve successfully made a good first impression?

I don’t know, and the more I try to figure it out, the grumpier and more unhappy I become.

So, here it is. The T@7 (Not Explicitly Christian) sermon I preached on Dec 3rd.

There’s something about worry,
Isn’t there?
That just consumes you
Anger is the same way
Well, the same, but different
Anger happens after the event
Whatever “it” is
Worry happens before

There’s something about worry
That is self-centered
Not narcissistic
But not trusting, either
I worry because I don’t believe
It will be okay
Whatever “it” is
I worry because I think
It can’t be done
With the resources
At my disposal
Whatever “it” is

There’s something about worry
That is demanding
Demanding a certain expectation
Expecting a certain outcome
And fearing the outcome won’t occur
Worrying about it

There’s something about worry
That ignores God
God’s presence
God’s abundance
God’s willingness
For the best for us to occur
How do we manage
To be so forgetful
About something
So wonderful?

We do it all the time,
Or, at least
I do it all the time

And sometimes
In the middle of my worrying
(And on the bad days,
In the midst of my freaking out)
I trip and stumble
Into a pothole of God’s love
Or I remember something
Something like,
“It’s not the weight you carry
But how you carry it”
And I think, “Wow.”

Because in that moment when I stumbled
I had a flash of understanding
Not always the kind
You can think through,
Rationalize
But a flash of understanding
The kind where your tight shoulders
Loosen
And your brow
Unfurrows
And your breathing
Deepens
And once more you feel safe

You feel like,
“Whatever the outcome, it’s okay.”

Because it’s hit you
-consciously or unconsciously-

God loves you
God wants the best for you
God has everything in the world
To give you
If only you’d be willing –
If only I’d be willing
To accept it

And in that moment
When I stumble
And my tight shoulders loosen
And I can’t quite explain it
But I’m calmer now,
I realize
I have accepted it.

…And here I am, desperately looking for a pothole to fall into.