Welcome to the epilogue, people.
Three years ago I posted part four of this series. (Find parts One, Two, Three, and Four here.) And I just reread that post because it’s good sometimes to remind myself of just how horrifically bad my situation had gotten, especially having lived for three years in the shallows of pain, which can still seem so bloody profound without being compared to actual torture. Or perhaps it’s better to say that they are so bloody profound, they’re just not actual torture.
Three years ago, going through the full gamut of TruDenta treatments gave me my life back and remediated my migraines 95%… and there was a part of me that had quietly said to myself, ‘if it never gets better from here, if I just have to live with the last five percent, so be it.’ But as it happens, the last five percent also sucked, and TruDenta (for which I am forever grateful, let me be so clear about that), had done what it could and had stopped working.
Now, let me be even clearer: Mine was the worst case my doctor had yet seen, and I didn’t even have the perspective to tell him the absolute truth. I now realize, looking back, that I was in daily danger of committing suicide for about a six month window. I didn’t have a migraine frequently, or often, or five times a week. Friends, I had one f**king migraine for g*dd*mn years. Having now experienced actual times when I actually don’t have any, even the most minor of symptoms, I can report that I had one migraine for more than four years that never f**king went away. There were only times that were better, or worse. Couple that with an underlying stoic personality, a freakishly high pain tolerance, and an actual desire to hide the most critical of information and you get me, circa 2016.
TruDenta saved my life, and so did Dr. Wood. That will never change, and the fact that it didn’t take me all the way, 100% home to a pain-free, migraine-free life negates nothing of what it actually did do.
…And still, the five percent wasn’t something I wanted. So I dug deeper. I looked into non-Western medicine, which I’d been playing at the fringes for sometime, anyway. I meditated more, deeper, got even more real with my spiritual growth, got even more honest with my self awareness. I spent the last three years training like an athlete in the spiritual games of healing myself. And there’s a reason I’m writing this post today.
But allow me a digression to tell you about my first* exorcism. It’s pertinent, I promise. (To new friends of the blog, possibly I should tell you I’m a Priest. And clearly also an Exorcist.)
So, my very first* exorcism (*of an actual demon, by myself, that I am consciously aware of; not with a partner, or of a ghost, or the fun things I did with God before I turned five, which are at least another three blog post series, yo) was in the steam room of a gym I belonged to at the time. It was super quick. There were no other humans in the room. I felt it, looked it in the eye* (*metaphorically; I see nothing and I like it that way. Interestingly, I can smell ghosts and the rest range from words in my head, an artistic impression in my mind’s eye, and the emotional component. To me, unmitigated evil feels creepy AF and nothing else really does.) …I looked it in the eye*, saw it for what it was, and giggled. In the totally joyful giggle was a clear sense from me, to it, of ‘go away.’ And it went. That was my first* exorcism. I sang a hymn of praise afterwards, but that was just more of a happy burble from me to God, and had nothing to do with the demon, really.
And it wasn’t an angry ‘go away’. It wasn’t a self-righteous ‘go away’. I didn’t invoke the name of Jesus Christ. I invoked the spirit of Jesus Christ and giggled instead because demons are f**king ridiculous if you get right down to the nuts and bolts and see them for what they are. No fear. No judgementalism. No holier than thou, even if this might be the only situation it’s actually warranted. Just a moment of pure light, pure joy, and pure I see through you, I get why you’re here, and I respectfully decline your offer; go away, now.
Having thusly digressed, let us return to my deep dive into healing the last 5% of my migraines.
While studying qigong, which quite frankly I recommend to everyone, everywhere, no matter what you’re going through because it’ll help, I also came to realize that the deep root of migraines in my life was actually early childhood trauma, the details of which I’ll keep to myself for now. But not only was it trauma at the base of the migraines, it was actually trauma at the base of all the remaining issues in my life that I struggle with. They’re all connected, and they’re all connected back to this trauma. And while I fully intend to continue with my practice of qigong because it’s just so dang healthy, easy, and fabulous, I recognize that my true healing comes with healing this trauma.
And you know, without TruDenta I just would have died first. And without qigong I wouldn’t have had the energy and fearlessness to dig down deep. And standing on the shoulders of these two giants, yesterday, yesterday, friends, I started stopping migraines as they started. Instantly.
How? I figured out that trauma in a deep way and started healing it. Now, I had an inkling three years ago and even thirteen years ago but I finally felt safe enough, dug down deep enough, healed enough, sorted myself out enough to know with startling clarity exactly what my migraines mean, and why they occur when they occur. And like the demon in the steam room, I look at them with a smile and say, ‘yeah, no.’ I forgive. Then I let go. And the pain stops.
Will there come a time when the pain never comes knocking? Perhaps, yes. And if it doesn’t? Right now being able to Stop Migraines Instantly (without drugs, without electricity) also seems good enough.